Trigger, Trigger. (PTSD)

Where does this despair hide itself from the rest of me when life is going smoothly? Does it seep into the corners of my mouth when I smile? Does it retreat into the shadows of my insides? How can it escape notice from the very person it inhabits? Until—a nightmare during sleep opens me up and the despair that was hidden comes squarely before my face.

And it laughs at me. Taunts me. Turns my gut into twisted pieces.

Causes me to doubt everything that I am, believe, and wish to be.

I carry this endlessly deep space of despair around, it suffocates my heart and fills my belly. I force my body to move the way it is supposed to. I make myself walk around like a human being, like the person I was before the latest trigger. I can’t cry. I can’t think. I feel as if I am being stalked by this shadow enemy.

Just. Leave. Me. Alone!

I don’t want you here anymore. I don’t want to face whatever horrors of my past your trying to foist upon me. I have a present, and a future that I love living; stop dragging me down with those claws. Those claws of despair that pierce me, cut into me, slash my heart in two.

I question everything. And I know this is all a show. I know how it ends if I follow you down this rabbit hole. I have never been able to survive it. I have never been able to be strong. I always fall apart into a thousand pieces and then after you leave, put myself back together (yet never quite as together as before).

Is there a way to swim through this ocean without choking on the pain? I don’t know. I don’t know anything. I feel emptied out. Terrified, again.

The sick thing is, as soon as this storm passes…all I see are clear blue skies. And then I wonder, what was I scared of? Why was I so lost in this emotional war? It all seems so..obvious and simple.

But then these triggers come and cut me open again, exposing that hidden despair. The same old cycle. I just have to hold on and let it tear through me. I have to be inert and unmoving. I have to allow it to run its course without choosing any actions, without thinking any thoughts. Then, I survive it without destroying myself. Then, I stand under the clear blue skies and realize the insanity of the storm.

But, is this the only way? Is there a way to stop these emotional tempests and finally have lasting peace and calm? I don’t know. I only know how to survive. But survival gets exhausting sometimes. I want to have that peace. Please, let me have that lasting peace.

And the storm is rolling over me….


Not Transphobic, Just Another Female Survivor of Sexual Abuse.

Forgive me while I empty myself of contents under pressure.

Women deserve private spaces. We deserve places where only females are allowed for our safety and privacy. We deserve to be protected and not have our concerns dismissed. My PTSD has been off the charts this week because of all these laws supposedly about equality for transwomen (men who feel like women, yet what does it “feel” like to be a woman? what exactly is a woman brain like? hmm?). I have no interest in hurting anyone’s feelings, and I can see why a “trans” person would be uncomfortable using a bathroom that doesn’t “fit” their idea of who they are or look like. However, I am sick to my stomach of being told that I am bigoted simply because I do not deny biological realities, and reject the idea of a man being born with a “woman’s brain”.

I don’t “feel” like a woman, I AM a woman. I am female and hence a woman. I get the difference between “gender” as a social construct but trans ideology says gender is innate and supersedes biology. I am really hurt over the snide comments of “oh these people are obsessed over where people pee”. NO. That is not it! Do these “transwomen” and activists/supporters know how it feels to be completely and totally overpowered by a man? I do. I know how it feels to realize that I am defenseless against someone because their BONE structure, MUSCLE mass/distribution, and height surpass mine like the majority of men in this world compared to women.

I have a right to be concerned over my safety when ANY MAN who says he “feels like a woman” can walk into a restroom that was previously (for..well..forever until now) a FEMALE only space. I have a right to be concerned about how EASY it would be for a male predator to take pictures of women and girls in various stages of undress (this is happening folks!). I do NOT want my 5 and 3 year old daughters to see a grown man naked in the YMCA dressing room (like has happened in another state where this law exists).Their own father doesn’t shower and undress in front of them, yet I should just deal with it because some man “identifies” with “womanhood”? If that happened at a park, he would be arrested and charged with a crime.

Why do we have sex segregated bathrooms and changing areas if it suddenly doesn’t matter anymore? The same people always yelling about “rape culture” are telling ME that NO MEN will take advantage of these laws to easily access women and girls who are partially or totally naked. I don’t believe you. I do not believe you. I am SO tired of women and girls safety and mental health being put LAST, again. I am SO tired of men forcing themselves in OUR spaces.

I am not claiming all “trans” women are predators, and some are actually speaking out against these laws because they realize that female’s deserve female spaces. I am sure they are struggling with intense issues and I hope they receive compassionate help for that. I do believe that there are “trans” people who truly have honest intentions with these laws, but I refuse to once again put my safety and right to privacy and comfort put last. And over my dead body will my daughter’s live in a world where their safety and well-being is put last without me putting up a fight. If I lose friends, fine. If I am called a transphobic bigot, fine. I know how often male sexual violence occurs against girls and women and I refuse to be silent when laws are passed that erase womanhood as a FEMALE lived experience attached to our biology and place FEMALES (and only females) at risk.
I can not sleep well. I am having panic attacks. I am having intrusive memories. This affects real women, please stop pretending it is just people caring about “where people pee”. Men do not know what it is like to be a woman, and I take offense at the often porn-ified and empty version of womanhood propped up by cross-dressing men (some who transition fully, some do not, most don’t).

Our voice doesn’t matter. Our comfort doesn’t matter. Being silenced by society over laws directly affecting me and my daughters hurts tremendously.

Do you know how easy those bathroom doors are to break down? My mind keeps going over it in detail. The door breaks, he is standing there, I am already partly undressed. My heart pounds. My mouth goes dry. I want to cry, scream, fight, run, vomit. And this is NOT some unimaginable and will-never-happen nightmare of a woman who who has endured trauma. Women and girls *are* sexually assaulted in bathrooms and changing areas. Men *sneak* in, and are not caught right away and are then able to attack unsuspecting women and girls.

Well if it already happens, then the law wont make it worse right? Wrong! It makes it easier because now he doesn’t have to hide. He can walk right in, and if a woman complains that a naked man is standing in the women’s changing room SHE will be the one who is told “too bad”. He has the legal right to be there because the law has erased the meaning of femaleness that includes biology. He is a woman because he says so.

And if women and girls don’t like it, THEY can leave. That is what we are told. Either accept getting naked next to a person with a penis or you can go someplace else. But when we suggest a private “gender neutral” space for trans people we are castigated as uncaring bigots who are hurting their egos and sense of self.

WOMEN must leave our own spaces, unless we accept penises. That is really what it is. We have to believe that the man with a penis is *just as much of a woman* as we are. I do not accept that, and you possess zero evidence to back up this rigid dogma beyond the feelings of a minority of men.

I have a reasonable reason to be afraid, given the statistics of rape and sexual assault against women, those of us with vaginas. I can defend myself against an aggressive woman much more easily than I could ever defend myself against a man. And a woman lacks a penis to rape me with, so there is that.

Women are not allowed our spaces. Our fears are mocked. Transactivists call for the death, mutilation and rape of “cis scum” as we called. And now, we not even allowed to describe our own bodies as female.

“Not all woman have vaginas” they say. Therefore I must censor my speech and use only language sanctioned by males who insist their penis is female.

Did you know that a man pretended to be trans in order to be placed inside female shelters for homeless women? He sexually assaulted two of them in two separate places. One woman was escaping domestic violence. Are we allowed no safe place?

Yet, “these laws don’t put women at risk”. Tell that to the women who should have been safe in a female only shelter. Tell that to the women in a female prison who are housed with a violent male sex offender who decided he was actually a woman after all.

This post is kind of disorganized, shattered, here and there.

Excuse me while I go calm the raging anxiety inside of me, while society legally defines womanhood as a feeling and marginalizes females and their safety. While they march toward a meaningless and ever shifting definition of OUR lives and bodies.

Excuse me, as I go quiet my rage.

Excuse me…excuse me…

There I go, always asking to be excused. Always shrinking. Always apologizing.

So female.