Mountain – A Poem

20170406_182751Our love is a gentle breeze

I am a mountain, tall and solid

From my soil grows all types of fruit,

Warm and ripe from the summers sun

From my ground—sharp rocks, jagged edges

You cut your feet when you try to climb me

Your hands reach for the delicious fruit

Hanging there on branches like slender arms

Your blood soaks into the earth of me,

Wet and dark

The ground is fertile like the lining of a womb

The rocks are a boundary raised from

Volcanic eruptions, earthquakes; things that injure

And kill

And our love floats up to me,

Where the white snow covers my highest peaks

It sings to me, asks me to allow you inside

Every crevice and cave

Allow you to pick any fruit you desire

Taste its sweetness

But I shake my earth like a quivering woman

In rage, in shame, in storm clouds and rain

Red fire engulfs the trees, the birds, all things

Alive and beautiful

I am covered in ashes, black as onyx stone

I cannot accept your bleeding feet, your outstretched arm,

Your longing song you sang to me

And yet, beneath the ashes of my rage and pain

The tiniest of sprigs pushes itself stubbornly

Through the hot earth

Its leaves are the newest green, soft and supple

Like the breasts of a young woman

And then it stands taller, grows wider, takes up more space

Soon I am covered in these proud plants

Then trees, and their strong branches

Where birds come to nest and raise their young

I am alive again

The mountain breathing

My lover comes again, here you are

Your feet have healed and my rocks

Don’t

Cut you

You are patient in your climbing,

Holding onto earth and tree

You find me in the quiet solace of

My highest peaks

We rest together in the comforting snow

I hear the song you sing to me

And I begin to sing it too

We live together

And the blood-soil you gave me

Has become a sign for

New things

To come and grow here

 

Advertisements

The Lies of the Enemy vs. The Glorious Truth

I have been very busy lately with the end of this semester fast approaching, along with life’s other obligations. I’ve been able to spend some time praying though, and it has brought up a theme for me; resisting temptation and the lies of the enemy.

This is in stark contrast to the promises of Yahweh, and what he can offer us to sooth our weary souls.

For those us with mental illness and/or addiction, we tend to experience emotions in a BIG way. Often we are just overwhelmed by them, and hence we seek out a way to ease that pain. The enemy tells us “I have these drugs, all kinds of drugs, pick one…it will sooth your suffering and take it all away”. Or maybe it’s sex, gambling, taking big risks; anything that takes us out of the pain and brings us a rush.

But as we know, this never lasts. In fact, when the high wears off we are much worse off than when we first started. Not to mention the trauma, the family rifts, and many other consequences of our using that we now have to deal with. The enemy lies to us, and by the time we realize we are trapped in this cycle of addiction and pain, we face a huge struggle to climb back out.

But we don’t have to do it alone. The entire time we were searching, searching, searching for that fix—that high—that thrill, He was waiting with his arms outstretched to us with real hope.

The enemy tells us, “Go ahead, indulge yourself and feel better”

“Go ahead, follow your own desires and thrills”

“Go ahead, I can make you feel better than you ever imagined.”

When this fails, when we end up doing nothing and sacrificing everything for that fix/that false cure—we end up often considering suicide. Imagine how the enemy feels when he tricks us into following his way, and then takes our very life from us? That is exactly what he wants to do; steal, kill, and destroy.

You know how horrible it feels when a young person dies, because that had to feed that addiction? Or a middle ages person dies and leaves their children and spouse, questioning and devastated?

It is as if we can see how things could have been. In an alternate universe, in a world where their life had a difference ending; we can see how much was lost for this addiction. It is so breathtakingly sad. It was almost my fate as well.

This is a song by R.E.M called “Country Feedback”, and I listened to it a lot as teen. Part of the refrain goes like this;

“It’s crazy what you could have,
Crazy what you could have had,
I need this…I need this…”

I used to cry so hard at that, because it cut to my soul. I knew I could have another life. I saw a future that could have been mine; college, love, children, etc. but I needed my high so badly that I just couldn’t have it. I could feel that other future, and its loss (and my inability to stop myself) was so gut wrenching.

Of course, my future is not what I believed it would be but ONLY because I have resisted and fought and clawed my way out of that abyss.

Yahushua (Jesus) tells us that we must hate even our very own life to be his disciple. What he means by that is, we must put him first and follow him no matter what.

We used to put drugs first, which leads to death…

We used to put risk taking first, which leads to death….

We used to put sex first, which leads to death….

We used to put cutting/self-injury first, which leads to death…

But now,

Oh now we have something glorious!

We put HIM first, which leads to LIFE!

HalleuYah. Amen.

We all struggle, if you are being tempted please remember that no temptation will overtake you that you cannot overcome with HIM. He always gives us a way out, he always shows us the narrow path that leads to life and bids us to walk in in—with Him.

I wish healing for you all.

Shalom.

Accepting Love, After Sexual Trauma.

The deepest kind of sadness is felt by one who is lonely in that sadness. Although I endeavor to share my experience and my hope, there are certain places where that raw loneliness has remained untouched by another human soul. Those deep places, still bleeding after all these years.

My sex is something painful. On one hand, womanhood has blessed me immeasurably. I rejoice over my body’s ability to grow a person inside my womb, birth that person into the world, and nourish and comfort that baby at my breast. In fact, having children gave me love for my body and gender for the first time as an adult. Yet it feels that my body has betrayed me so many times.

I ask myself, was I ever innocent? I know that I was. If I think hard about it; I remember. I was an innocent child. I deserved no harm against me. Still that feeling of ugly, dirty, worthlessness has been etched so far into my psyche that it can be difficult to force a memory of innocence.

Too. Many. Men.

That is the truth. They have no number, no name, only some have a face or hands that I remember. There are just too many, far too many, men.

I remember just when they succeeded in crushing my spirit inside of me, along with my body and blood and bone. That moment when I stopped the fruitless and pathetic begging. When my legs ceased to kick erratically and ineffectively against the strength of their manhood. When I no longer opened my mouth to utter a painful “no”.

My mouth closed. My legs opened, without fight, with resignation. I had been lost. Defeated. Completely overcome.

So. Many. Years.

That is the truth. I cannot recall a time that I was not so damaged by them. It seeps into every corner of my mind—my very being is infused with my defeat. For so many, many years I could not resist them; any of them. My body and mind checked out, survival meant submission. And I did survive.

I couldn’t accept the forgiveness of my Father in Heaven because I knew he would never want something like me. I felt less than human. I looked around at the kind people at this church I had never been exposed to, and I knew that I would never be them. I could never be them. Someday they would realize it too. Someday they would stand me up, strip me naked, and expose my filthiness. I would be thrown out, cast away, shut off from the kingdom.

Yet, what does this Savior say?

That those who hurt children would be better off thrown into the sea. My abusers were adults, they saw my lack of maturity and used it to their advantage. They knew I was desperate, so they used me. They saw that I was unable to defend myself, so they hurt me.

What does this Savior say?

Those who come to him will be forgiven, clean as snow where they were once scarlet. He will forget, remove, destroy the sin that trapped me and held me in perpetual guilt and slavery. There is no sin too great, no person too low. He sees me as pure, even if I can’t yet.

Again, what does this Savior say?

That prostitutes will enter the Kingdom of the Father before the hypocritical “righteous” do! He says to the woman who has lost her way, “You are forgiven. Go, and sin no more.”
Even prostitutes can enter the Kingdom?

When we seek His face, repent, and trust Him; we are forgiven. Yes, even we.

Even I.

Tonight, the emotions of the past are climbing into the present. I feel uncomfortable. I feel the aching despair of shame and loneliness. Has anyone else had so much taken from them, that they just wanted to scream “ENOUGH! I have NOTHING left! Stop touching me! Stop taking from me! I am empty”? Has anyone else ever stood in a crowded room and wondered if the people talking to them would stay, if they knew “their history”? Has anyone cried uncontrollably and alone wondering what it feels like to be loved instead of hurt by others?

I have. For too many years. From too many men.

I want to focus on One Man; Yahushua(Jesus), who DOES love me. He does not and will never hurt me. He forgives my sins, and he shows me where I should be forgiving to those who have sinned against me. He can heal me, if I will open myself to Him and accept his love.

Help me to accept your love tonight, my Savior.

Help me to accept your healing tonight, my Abba Yahweh.

To my sisters who understand the aching grief of sexual abuse, I am so sorry you have endured it as I have. I love you, and you are loved by the one who created you. You do not deserve abuse. Please, reach out to someone and allow them to love you on this journey.

Peace to you. Shalom.

*Relevant Bible Verses (brackets inserted by me) *

John 8:10,11 Straightening up, Jesus [Yahushua] said to her, “Woman, where are they? Did no one condemn you?” She said, “No one, Lord.” And Jesus [Yahushua] said, “I do not condemn you, either. Go. From now on sin no more.”

Matt 21:31 … “I [Yahushua] tell you the truth, corrupt tax collectors and prostitutes will get into the Kingdom of God before you do.”

Isaiah 1:18 “Come now, let us settle the matter,” says the LORD [YHWH, Yahweh]. “Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red as crimson, they shall be like wool.”

Luke 17: 1,2 He [Yahushua] said to His disciples, “It is inevitable that stumbling blocks come, but woe to him through whom they come! “It would be better for him if a millstone were hung around his neck and he were thrown into the sea, than that he would cause one of these little ones to stumble.