Thoughts on Turning 30

Psalm 16:11 
You make the path of life known to me.
Complete joy is in your presence.
Pleasures are by your side forever.

There is a path of life and a path of destruction. Ten years ago, I was on the wrong path and quickly heading towards the grave. In the blindness of addiction and mental pain, I never imagined another way was possible. I have not always followed the path of life smoothly. There have been stumbles, doubts, and falls. The important thing is to never give up hope, and hold onto the truth because the truth truly sets you free. I am beyond grateful for this life I have, and I want to keep growing and learning and loving in each year I am given.

Jeremiah 29:11
I know the plans that I have for you, declares Yahweh.They are plans for peace and not disaster, plans to give you a future filled with hope.

What a powerful thought it is, to realize that there is a plan for our lives. Sometimes, it sounds corny when people say “God has a plan for your life”. Often times its said during a time of loss or difficulty, as a way to diminish someones pain. But, if we truly consider the implications of our creator having a plan for us, it can help to rid of us the anxiety of modern living. Will we get that job? Will those bills be paid? Maybe, and maybe not. Regardless, he has a plan! It is a good plan, a hopeful plan. I am seeking to let go of my feeble attempts at controlling things that are beyond me, as I enter into this new decade of my life.

John 16:21

A woman has pain when her time to give birth comes. But after the child is born, she doesn’t remember the pain anymore because she’s happy that a child has been brought into the world.

I met my husband when I was 20, and we welcomed our first child together when I was 22. I have had three daughters and one son in my 20s, and I’m expecting my 5th baby this coming year; my first baby in my 30s. Becoming a mother has changed me profoundly, not a single cell in my body or aspect of myself has been untouched by their amazing presence. They are the greatest blessings in my life, along with my husband who helped give them to me. I look forward to watching them grow in my 30s. When I turn 30 tomorrow, I will have a 7, 5, 3, and 1 year old. Ten years from now when I turn 40, I will have a 17, 15, 13, 11, and 9 year old. What a difference this next decade will be!

Psalm 27:4

I have asked one thing from Yahweh.
    This I will seek:
    to remain in Yahweh’s house all the days of my life
        in order to gaze at Yahweh’s beauty
            and to search for an answer in his temple.

I want to set aside what snared me in my youth, and let go of the guilt and shame. I will choose to gaze on His beauty instead, all the days of my life.

Shalom! I’m 30!!! (Its midnight)


Why I Had to End My Suboxone Detox; And The Physical Effects of Being so Sick

Hey everyone. I spent a week in bed, unable to move without help a few feet to the bathroom. At times I laid in bed so thirsty, but I couldn’t move my arm to grab the water next to me in bed. I wanted so badly to continue, but my body couldn’t do it. The first time I attempted to get off suboxone, it was my mind that was the issue. I had cravings, depression, mood swings. I went back on it to avoid relapse. This time, I am happy to report, I experienced no cravings whatsoever and I was in generally good spirits (despite being so sick).

The major complicating factor; I am pregnant. It was very early, and I had hoped to have a pregnancy off suboxone. In the end, it felt dangerous to continue. I said from the start, “I will not risk the baby’s life”. My husband was so busy with the children, he simply could not help me to the degree that I needed help. I need someone to essentially be my nurse for weeks if I do this again.

Now, I am still feeling very weak. My muscles have not recovered, and my dose is whacky. My body was shocked by having this drug withdrawn and now it has it back, but I have not found an equilibrium again. I was also hit with morning sickness (all day, and at night) which made my dehydration and inability to eat even worse. Thankfully, the nausea has  mostly gone and I am eating very healthy whole foods again.

I am very disappointed to still be on suboxone. I am dreading the cycle of doctor visits, scripts, etc. That said, what can I do? I gave it my very best, but my body being pregnant could not do it.

So, will I try again? Absolutely. Especially now that I know I can do it without cravings or mental health issues resulting. I just need more help. My body has been reliant on this drug for nearly a decade now, that is a long time. I am on lower dose that usual which is nice, but detox is no joke after being on it this long. Obviously, next time I will do it when I am not pregnant. But, I have to honest that I do not know HOW this will work out. Not only is it weeks of sickness, but then perhaps months of recovery. I will have five children, who I homeschool, needing me.

My thoughts at this point are focused on the following; get healthy and strong again during this pregnancy, find a good addiction specialist, and try a very slow detox process instead.

I would love to hear from anyone who has been able to successfully detox from long-term opiate dependence.

With just me, it may be impossible. With Yahweh, all things are possible.


P.s I plan on writing about pregnancy, and breastfeeding on suboxone/subutex. It is happening much more often now, yet many moms do not have much information. I have a lot of experience, and thankfully all of my babies were very healthy and needed no treatment. Many doctors still recommend methadone to moms, whereas suboxone has a much better track record with neonatal withdrawal.

Suboxone Taper/detox- week 3 .5mg

Well, it’s 4:30am and I can’t sleep. I slept from 1-2am but my son woke up crying and wanting nurse. I had my husband bring the baby to me because I didn’t feel like moving from the recliner chair in our living room.
I’ve been on suboxone, which is a synthetic opiate medication used. I have been on it for 9 years which is a long time. I started my addiction to heroin ar 14 years old, went on methadone at 19, and then started suboxone after an unsuccessful attempt at methadone withdrawal. I turn 30 next month, so I’ve been opiate dependent for half my life.

Half my life!

So asking my body to function without any opiate is difficult. But you know what? I really feel ready this time.

My biggest complaint is the muscle aches and creepy crawly jumpy feelings. Very restless, yet exhuasted. Not fun.

So far the stomach pains and “bathroom” issues have been minimal. I felt worse when I went from 2mg down for 1mg as far as the stomach issues, but now the muscles and insomnia have taken over.

So, I went down from 1mg to .5mg, it’s been a full 24 hours. I just took my next .5mg dose and won’t take another until 4am tomorrow. Then, I’m going down to .25mg for a few days before jumping off.

This is a much quicker taper than is usually recommended. However, I am in early pregnancy and I do not want to drag this out for that reason. The baby will eventually be more sensitive to withdrawal, which could even lead to miscarriage in the worst case. I’m keeping a close eye on how I feel, but so far so good. I’d rather get it over with now than give birth on suboxone again (even though my babies were fine).

I feel like a long, long chapter is closing. Despite the physical trials, I truly feel great mentally and spiritually. This is the first time I’ve gone this low and had NO cravings at all! HalleluYah!

I am not being given more than I can handle, and I am grateful for the support system I have in place as I go through this process.

My daughter’s Zoo Birthday Party

My oldest child, Miss Noemi Rose, turned 7! She loves giraffes and all animals, so she asked for a party at the zoo. We went to the Turtle Back Zoo in South Orange NJ. I can’t believe my first baby is 7 now. She is intelligent, beautiful, and a wonderful help to me. I couldn’t ask for a better firstborn 😉

Birthday Girl

20180421_164706I have to say, the turtle back zoo was really fun and all the kids had a blast. We we definitely be going back to see the animals we didn’t get the chance to see.


5 Ways Anxiety Makes Me Look Like a Jerk (and I’m sorry!)

There are some things that only anxious people can truly understand. To my fellow anxious wrecks, you are not alone. To those of you who may walk away from meeting me thinking I was a big ol’ meanie head (as my daughter says), I’m sorry, and let me explain.

1.)  I won’t answer your phone calls, and sometimes texts.

This is a big one. Nothing sends my heart into a flutter like a bird in a snakes den than my phone ringing. GASP! Someone wants to… to me?! I cannot do it. I’m sorry, I realize it makes no sense to panic at the thought of using the phone for it’s original (and barbaric) purpose of speaking to other human beings, but I simply can’t help it.

Then, because I ignored your phone calls I feel awkward answering your text messages.

THEN, because I ignored your text messages I feel even more awkward ever answering them again.

Do I tell you my phone was eaten by a crocodile? Flushed down the toilet? Sigh, maybe I have to just move to another country so I never have to see you again.

Don’t call me.

2.)  I’m late to your party. 

First of all, the fact that I’m even at your party at all shows that I am really, really trying to be nice and I genuinely consider you a friend. However, besides getting four little humans dressed, outside, into the van, and into carseats, I was also sitting in my van down your street for 10 minutes while I gathered my composure and readied myself for actual human interaction (humans above the age of 7, who I did not squeeze out of my own body).

3.) I find the most isolated spot at your party (or at cheerleading, dance, etc) and avoid conversation.

Does she think she is better than us? Is she disinterested? No, and no. Does she dislike us? No, again. Actually I am worrying over what you think of me, and I like you very much (which is why I left my cave to come to your party). I prefer to be the wallflower, watch what is going on and have one to one conversations. I avoid the noisy areas with lots of people, but please don’t feel like you need to convince me to join in. I am perfectly happy watching the action from over here.

4) I say something totally awkward to you.

Uh-oh, someone spotted me off in the corner and decided to come over and communicate with me. Help! I start sweating and have a pained “smile” as I ask you about your dead dog or bowl movements. I’m sorry, I have no idea what I’m talking about. In addition to being totally weird or unintentionally offensive, I will lay awake in bed later that night meticulously going over our conversation. Not good.

5) I wont stay for coffee and dessert because I really have to go…and sit in my home. I had nice time with you and the kids, but my social interaction barometer has reached its maximum and it is time for me to run home to my sweet little bubble away from everyone who is not my child or husband (no matter how much I really like you!). Please don’t feel offended if I cannot stay longer, I appreciate being at your home but my anxiety level has reached the point where I have to go back to introverted heaven (home).

Are you an introvert? Anxious? How do you deal with social situations?



The Winter Beach and the Wallaby

A few weeks ago I took the kids to visit my Aunt, and my cousin and his girlfriend, who are expecting their first baby. I am very close to my cousin, who is “Uncle Colin” to my kids, and his baby (its a GIRL) will be my first niece of sorts. They recently moved down to south NJ and we stayed for the weekend.

There were many fun adventures for the girls to go on but Markos wanted me to hold him all day, expect for when the huge puppy they recently adopted was around; he stuck his entire hand into the dogs mouth! We don’t own pets so I suppose he wanted to figure out what those teeth were! Thankfully, he is a big sweet dog and nobody got hurt (drool not withstanding).


Uncle Colin played his guitar for the girls, and I talked about having babies with Alysha, his girlfriend.


The next day, we went to the beach since it was only 20 minutes away from her house. It was cold, but that didnt bother the girls at all. Markos napped in my arms and in my Aunts arms, while the girls ran with the dog and collected bags full of seashells. There is something about the beauty and peacefulness of the ocean that always sets my heart at ease (despite my frown, the sun was in my eyes!).


Later, after we went back to my aunts house, we met her neighbors we had heard much about. It turned out that we actually have friends in common, it is a small homeschooling world. The girls played with their 8 year old daughter who gave details about their recent trip to India, and I was ecstatic to meet their pet WALLABY! (or “wallabean” according to my daughter) Here was this wallaby bouncing around their yard! I was

much more excited than the kids were. I was told that he was a rescue (who rescues freaking wallabies?) and he goes in and out a doggie door, and he enjoys peanut butter crackers. I love the wallaby, and hope to visit again haha!

It was a fun weekend, and I will update on more wallaby and dog adventures at Aunt.Pam’s house.