My Rawest Confession, and a Plea

This song really hits my heart. I am 31 years old, and my life is far removed from what it once was, yet I will never forget what it was like.

I have found peace, and love, and life. The fountain of Messiah Yahushua/Jesus Christ who satisfies.

Do you know what it means to be satisfied? I was an addict. Addicts are never satisfied. Addicts are condemned to search for satisfaction over and over again, like ghosts haunting the streets at night.

I was an addict. I shoved a needle in my arms over, and over, and over again. In the pouring rain, numb from all the cocaine I was smoking and shooting. I walked for miles and miles all over a city far from my home. The sun came up, the high went down, and I sat there with huge blisters covering both my feet. I could not press my feet against the ground from the pain. My arms were covered in tracks, and in so much pain I could not bend them. I did this to myself. I was 18.

Why? Searching for satisfaction. Elusive pain relief. I was in emotional agony. I cannot find the words to convey the depths of that despair. It was all consuming. I was like a terrified animal chewing my own limbs to escape the cage of that pain. Damn the wounds, let them fester, if only I have a moment of relief.

When I sing this song, my heart breaks. But with joy. With gratitude. With amazement, that I am satisfied. I have peace. I have come to the fountain that quenches thirst and relieves burdens long carried.

Salvation is a song I sing. A gift my heart cannot contain.

I almost died out there, in that misery. I almost died without ever knowing peace.

Why am I sharing this with you? Why not just keep it to myself, and go on with my new life? Well, because there are still others out there.

There are teenagers out there, who are desperate for relief. They are out there hurting themselves because they don’t know what else to do. And there are predators who see them from a mile away, and come running.

I have wrestled with how much to share. I have feared the reactions of others. But I realized that for some people, not matter how many years go by, I will always be a good for nothing addict and whore. Forgive my language, but I am using these words carefully and literally. Why should I hide, and prevent those who still suffer from seeing an example of healing? They will judge me anyway. I have nothing to lose.

I survived, like many others, by using my body as currency. It was the only thing I had. I had already been brutally raped and attacked. I was so desperate for my fix, and I had nothing but myself left to give.

Let me tell you something, this sort of trauma runs deep. This shame can overshadow your very life. I am finally, at long last, walking out from that cloud. I am holding my head high. I have learned who I truly am, a child of God.

The men who saw a lost young girl and took advantage of her should be ashamed. I pray for their repentance.

But most of all, I want to speak up for those girls and women who are still in it. I have learned that there are many, many women who have suffered sexual abuse and keep it close to their chest. We are suffering in silence.

I want to reach out my hand, if that is you. We can walk this road of healing together.

I want you to take my hand, and support me even if you have not lived this life. We need your support and prayer too.

So, here I am. All of me. The rawest, most sensitive, most terrifying exposed I have ever been. But I am also stronger than ever.

Shalom.

 

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