I haven’t updated in a bit, and that is because my anxiety has skyrocketed lately. I am taking three online classes, and I got behind. I had a big paper to write, and a midterm test to take. I have felt overwhelmed by that and a few other things. When I feel overwhelmed, I tend to shut down. I stop interacting with people. I don’t answer texts or calls. I ignore my responsibilities. It makes no logical sense, because this only makes everything worse. But mental illness is not logical.
My husband has his own struggles as well. He got a new job which we worked hard to achieve. But it has not been good for his mental health at all. I have watched him get up every day and do everything he possibly can for us. He suffers so much sometimes, it breaks my heart. Few people can really understand the severe battle he endures. If sheer willpower could overcome mental illness, he would have done it. He is seeking some accommodations, but we will see how it goes. In the meantime, I am placing ALL my trust into Yah’s hands. He is capable. He is a good, loving father.
I have felt like I am swimming against the current. Each day is just rushing past me, and I am gasping for air against the tide. I want to feel in control again. I want shalom. Peace.
I know I will find it again. I know my husband will too. We have fought hard for this life of ours. I believe we need to keep our feet on the right path, and it will somehow work out.
I don’t think people realize the battle mental illness can be for some of us. I also think that sometimes believers don’t understand it, and think we have more control over it than we do. I try my best to bring awareness, and hope for understanding and love. But regardless, I know my husband and I understand each other.