Sometimes people from your past rise to your memory, and suddenly you’re back with them. Ten years ago, Twenty years ago. Whenever it was. Suddenly, you’re together again when you close your eyes; ageless, forever the way they were frozen in memory time.
I was thinking about a man I once knew, but this story is about the girl who brought us together; and who we both loved.
When I write about the past, please remember that I’m often writing from the perspective I had *at that time*. I was not a believer, and I was a young addict. So, who I am today isn’t necessarily reflected in my writing. But, this is where I came from, and the people I met and loved along the way.
“J”
I see her sometimes when my eyes are heavy
Her eyes were green wells
She filled me with their mystery water
I held her hand on trains
Where we sat laughing
I held her hand in alleys where we entertained
Men in costumes
And I held her in my hands
On the soft beds of strangers
When we laid down in the back of
Speeding cars
Our limbs as entangled
As the synapses blazing in our minds
Elation- Connection- Love
Then,
The crashes come
Shredding the paper wings we carefully constructed
Shattered the heaven we made with glassy eyes
And roving hearts
As sure as the red blood spirals into
The pale brown water
Before the needle pushes
Into the vein
I felt her.
More than the softness of her body
More than the hunger she stirred inside
I felt the sharp edges of
Her injured heart
One time, I believed I could save her
One time, I quietly slipped out her window
Into the cold night
I was trying to stop her from following me
To death
But really, we had already set it all into motion
The illusion of control slipped away
Leaving nothing but the ugly, snarling face
Of addiction
Devouring us all
This is what I think of when I consider
My youth
Now, I sit in a new body
In a new world
Marriage- Family- Commitment
We clawed our way up
With grit, determination,
And luck.
I didn’t save her, but we
Saved ourselves
The girl I see when I close my eyes
Is a memory, a past- a person
Who changed like the turning of the seasons
Into a beautiful new woman
And we when we speak,
It’s of freedom,
And grace,
And thankfulness.
