This is a hard blog post to make. Honestly, writing at all has been a challenge lately. There is so much sitting in my head that I want to work out with paper and pen; and so much on my ever expanding (neglected) to-do list. I am realizing that it’s all connected to my trauma, and remembering that trauma.
I put aside social media recently because I was scrolling for hours and hours per day. Anything to avoid a moment of stillness. Anything to ignore the growing panic in my chest, getting tighter by the day.
I have been moving through days like a person in survival mode. Just doing the basics that must be done to manage a household. I have been letting projects languish and tasks go undone. Just get through this day, then the next, and the one after. Then, weeks go by and nothing changes. I feel paralyzed. Unable to bring myself out of this fog.
So, I have been putting aside all the “extras”. I’m giving myself permission to say “this is all I can handle right now”. My family comes first, and in order to care for them I have to take care of myself.
I’m taking small steps.
Recovery is so hard sometimes. It sits with me-my past-this uncomfortable lump in my throat, this queasy feeling in my belly. But I have no choice, I have to move forward. It can be slow, but it must be forward.
I feel guilty lately, because my triggers are affecting my marriage (that’s another post). He is understanding, but I feel helpless against it. It’s a very painful situation, when you love someone so much but your trauma keeps you at a distance. My body has been hurt so badly, so many times-it can’t comprehend loving touch.
I was thinking today that it’s like a fire. Imagine you were in a horrible, damaging, raging fire but escaped with your life. Then, the next day you are confronted with a managed flame to cook dinner, but you react with terror at the sight of it. Even though this new fire is normal, and safe, it doesn’t matter because your mind remembers the raging fire that nearly killed you before. You can rationalize with yourself all day, but the fire still scares you.
So, forgive my inability to post frequently. I hope I can return to the keyboard and resume life at a normal functional level soon. Sometimes, it just is what it is and I have to roll with it.