Two days to my due date with our 5th baby, and after weeks of trying to keep our home clean and organized…it’s all falling apart. The holidays, the contractions, the chaos of four little ones who are inside most of the time lately; it is just impossible to maintain for very long.
Then, the sudden death of my aunt. While mourning her loss, it also means less help from my mother and other close family members as they (understandably) move their focus to the immediate needs of preparing to say goodbye to her. Not to mention the emotional pain they are coping with.
My husband is stressed over his job, and what his options are. He has worked his whole life, including military service, but he has also battled bipolar disorder for most of his adulthood. This has lead to difficulty in getting gainful employment and keeping it. He has been in solid recovery for the last few years, but it takes time. He knows that we need him, and he is worried. I am worried that he is worried! Not a good cycle.
Then, my oldest daughter goes from slightly sick to throwing up all over the couch today. I’m helping her get cleaned up and praying to God “Please, please do not let me get sick too!” I can’t imagine having to give birth while ill. And how long before the other kids get it and start throwing up too?
So there I am. Big and pregnant. Cleaning puke. Chasing my all-maniac-boy toddler. Managing arguments between the middle two girls. Squeezing my son onto my lap to nurse for the millionth time. The floors I meticulously swept, mopped, and vacuumed are a mess again. The bathroom that I scrubbed on my hands and knees has to be cleaned again. The toys I put away are on the floor, again.
And so, I started thinking, “how do I let go?”
How do I accept that no matter how much I clean, it will once again be a mess?
How do I accept that germs do not care that I am pregnant, and my kids still need me to help them when they are sick?
How do I let go of worrying over my husband so much, and allow him to figure things out?
How do I accept death, in the midst of bringing new life?
How do I really accept that I cannot decide when this baby is born?
It all reminds me that I really am not in control of much. Life is MESSY. Especially with a big family. But, it is a beautiful mess.
This verse comes to mind for me;
“But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. ” Matt 6:33
Seek first the Kingdom. Seek after His righteousness. All these things (our needs) will be given to us. In other words, LET GO. STOP worrying so much! The Father already KNOWS what we need, and he is a GOOD father who takes care of His children.