I can’t believe I am 32 weeks (plus 4 days) into this unassisted pregnancy journey. I have mentioned before that this was my most difficult pregnancy, and being my 5th I have been given no time for rest! Especially with my very adorable, but very demanding 2yr old son. I have also been much BIGGER with this baby! So, every time I go out people say
“Wow! Due any day now huh?!”
“Are you having twins?”
“Are you suuuure it’s not twins?”
“Geez, you were never this BIG with the other babies!”
You get the point. I’m big. Pretty darn huge. Like a barn. Or a whale. Anything humongous.
So, I kind of started to worry. Why am I so big? Am I having an abnormally giant baby? Is there too much amniotic fluid? What if the baby is enormous? How will I give birth to a hippopotamus baby?
The fear started to creep in. Most people in this society are very, very scared of giving birth. They are distrustful of women’s bodies. They hand over control to doctors the moment a second pink line shows on that pregnancy test. They are tested, prodded, and documented. I constantly have women opening up to me about their births (which I love to share), but I notice consistently the language of disempowerment;
“They told me I couldn’t have a vaginal birth”
“They decided to induce me”
“Oh the doctor wouldn’t let me…”
“I wasn’t allowed to…”
Women are not the primary actors in their births. They are being allowed, or not allowed. They are given permission, or constraints. They are told, not asked.
I had all the fears of the friends, family, dance moms and supermarket cashiers bombarding me. I couldn’t distinguish what was coming from within me, what was genuine.
Then, I had a strange pregnancy dream. I love these weird dreams that happen towards the end of pregnancy. They give me a lot to think about, and it seems like it works out concerns I have in my subconscious. Plus, they are usually absurd and funny. (I dreamt I gave birth to a kitten during my first pregnancy).
I had this dream two nights ago, after worrying all day about the size of my belly. I was on my bed with my husband, when I felt my cervix opening. I said my husband, “I could give birth right now”. I started to push, and gently a baby’s head began to appear. I pushed the baby out easily, quickly, and painlessly. It was a small baby, and a girl. I laughed about that in the dream, because I have been convinced its a big boy.
This dream, somehow in all its weirdness, caused me to feel better. I felt some sort of shift in my emotions. Maybe it was because the dream showed me how wrong I could be. All the worrying, and it was a tiny baby girl. Maybe it was just the fact of remembering birth. I don’t know. I just know that I am not scared anymore. I feel ready, when baby is ready, to do this for the 5th time.
I really can’t wait to discover WHO this baby is!
Count down to birthday.