I have not been blogging lately. This has been a difficult pregnancy for me. My body seems to be a bit tired, and carrying this 5th baby in 8 years has taken a toll. I have tried to enjoy being pregnant, like I normally do, but it has not been easy. Every day my hips are in quite a bit of pain from SPD, and I am larger than I normally am so my body just generally hurts, and feels uncomfortable.
Yet, I am thankful for the life inside me. I feel the baby moving often, esp at night, big movements from what I suspect is a big baby. A strong baby, halleluYah!
This is the first time I have gone totally unassisted for the entire pregnancy. I went unassisted from around 20 weeks with babies 3 and 4. This is the first time we left the sex of the baby a surprise! I felt very strongly about not knowing this time, which is a strange departure from my usually impatient self.
Taking care of the kids, particularly my 2 year old, has been challenging at times physically. I have been nursing my toddler this entire pregnancy, which has been difficult and uncomfortable. Dry nursing triggers feelings of nursing aversion, but I have endured it for my son’s sake. I believe breastfeeding tandem with the newborn will help his adjustment period. My daughters are very excited about having a new sibling, and they have been really sweet about helping me most of the time. They treat the baby as their own already, which really warms my heart.
I have been complaining and saying I can’t wait to give birth for so long that it is hard to believe I am getting so close! Now my thoughts are turning towards preparing for the birth, physically and mentally.
Emotionally, I feel very raw lately. I cry over anything sad. I feel sensitive to everyone, those close to me and those far away. I have been avoiding terrible news about wars and children suffering because it feels like a personal affliction. My heart breaks easily over the thought of any child in pain. I know that this is part of the pre-birth period for me. My heart opens before my body opens. Motherhood changes me profoundly, each time. Bringing life into the world causes me to rejoice and mourn with the world. Caring for such an innocent being causes me to feel maternal towards all the earths children. It is a very complex emotional place to be, and painful at times, but I open myself to it and allow it to change me.
31 weeks, count down!