31 Weeks Pregnant Unassisted Journal

I have not been blogging lately. This has been a difficult pregnancy for me. My body seems to be a bit tired, and carrying this 5th baby in 8 years has taken a toll. I have tried to enjoy being pregnant, like I normally do, but it has not been easy. Every day my hips are in quite a bit of pain from SPD, and I am larger than I normally am so my body just generally hurts, and feels uncomfortable.

Yet, I am thankful for the life inside me. I feel the baby moving often, esp at night, big movements from what I suspect is a big baby. A strong baby, halleluYah!

This is the first time I have gone totally unassisted for the entire pregnancy. I went unassisted from around 20 weeks with babies 3 and 4. This is the first time we left the sex of the baby a surprise! I felt very strongly about not knowing this time, which is a strange departure from my usually impatient self.

Taking care of the kids, particularly my 2 year old, has been challenging at times physically.  I have been nursing my toddler this entire pregnancy, which has been difficult and uncomfortable. Dry nursing triggers feelings of nursing aversion, but I have endured it for my son’s sake. I believe breastfeeding tandem with the newborn will help his adjustment period. My daughters are very excited about having a new sibling, and they have been really sweet about helping me most of the time. They treat the baby as their own already, which really warms my heart.

I have been complaining and saying I can’t wait to give birth for so long that it is hard to believe I am getting so close! Now my thoughts are turning towards preparing for the birth, physically and mentally.

Emotionally, I feel very raw lately. I cry over anything sad. I feel sensitive to everyone, those close to me and those far away. I have been avoiding terrible news about wars and children suffering because it feels like a personal affliction. My heart breaks easily over the thought of any child in pain. I know that this is part of the pre-birth period for me. My heart opens before my body opens. Motherhood changes me profoundly, each time. Bringing life into the world causes me to rejoice and mourn with the world. Caring for such an innocent being causes me to feel maternal towards all the earths children. It is a very complex emotional place to be, and painful at times, but I open myself to it and allow it to change me.

31 weeks, count down!

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Small Miracles

My faith has been quietly, and slowly growing in strength. I had an experience yesterday that was small yet significant for me. A few years ago I began attending a weekly group with my children called Pathways. It is from an organization that helps individuals and families improve their lives financially. It has been a blessing to me in many ways, esp. by forming friendships with others, and giving the children fun activities each week on Tues night. So, that is where I was yesterday evening.

At the end of the adults meeting, they raffled off 10 dollar gas cards. They do this most weeks, as a little way to help out. This month was particularly hard for us, because of a few unexpected expenses and my husband working only part time while in school. It was very tough some days this month, to the point where I did not always have 10 dollars to put in the gas tank. I don’t normally win anything, but this time I won the card.

As soon as I won the card, I felt strongly that I should give it to a woman I know “R”. R was crossing her fingers in hopes of winning the card, and mentioned earlier that she really needed it this week. She does not normally do that, so I believed she must not have money for gas right now. It is the very end of the month.

I have not felt a leading by the Spirit like that in a very long time. It was unmistakable. I knew God was saying “give her the card”. I said to myself, “yes but…we really have struggled too. We could really use it too” but it didn’t matter. The leading was strong, and I knew on a deep level that I was supposed to give it to her.

The group began to disperse, and I walked over to her and gave her the card. She was thankful, and asked me if I was sure. We hugged each other, and I assured her it was fine. I started to make my way out of the the room when the group leader quietly pulled me aside and said, “that was really nice of you” and then handed me a new card.

This is where it may not seem so significant to others, but it meant so very much to me. I have wrestled with trusting God and following the lead of the Spirit. Even though it was just a 10 dollar gas card, it meant something to me, and I stepped out in trust and gave it to the person God wanted me to give it to. Unbeknownst to me, the leader saw my action and had it in her heart to replace the card for me.

If I had not listened to the Spirits leading, R would have missed out on getting those 10 dollars she really needed, the group leader would not have seen a small act of kindness, and I would have missed out the most on a spiritual lesson. All I had to do was TRUST God, follow his lead, and he immediately replaced what I gave away. He provided the money back to me right away. It showed me his love and care, and reminded me that he knows what I need. My job is not to stress and worry, my job is to trust Him.

He gave me a tiny task to give a small blessing to someone else, and in the process he showed me a small miracle.

Matt 6:33 But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these. things shall be added unto you.