Perservence, When You Haven’t “Made it” Yet..

Sometimes I let my mind imagine 5 years from now. I have finished my nursing degree, my personal businesses are thriving, and we own our own home with plenty of land for the children to get dirty on. My heart fills with gratitude and happiness. Then, I open my eyes and I’m back in our apartment. I’m starting at a spreadsheet where I have meticulously recorded our budget for the coming month. My heart feels deflated, and my spirit is heavy.

How do we avoid feeling totally defeated, when life is taking longer to get where we want to be?  Especially, those of us who spent years of our lives in addiction and battling mental illness. 

It is hard not to think “if only I had never used drugs” or “its not fair I had mental illness”. We did the hard work of getting clean and we do the hard work of recovery, but now we may wake up and realize that years were wasted. We have friends and family who have long since graduated and built their lives; all while we were fighting for our lives. 

We survived! But, now what do we want our life to be? This is a question many of us never even asked, because we assumed we would be dead and gone. We didn’t have the time to consider questions like that, we were waking up hungry and sick and spend every moment looking for drugs and using. When I was sleeping on sidewalks, I never imagined I could create a life of my dreams.

But it is real. I made it out of that pain and suffering, but now I want to “make it” in life! I don’t want to struggle with paying for Basic necessities. I want financial freedom. I want a home to call my family’s own. I want my business to give me satisfaction and opportunities. 

There is NO easy way to get to your dream. Nobody “makes it” overnight. Addicts tend to want everything fast and easy. We aren’t used to waiting, we don’t have experience in strategic patience. 

But here’s the thing; one day at a time. One step at a time. Keep putting one foot in front of the other. Never, under any circumstance, give up. The only option is to find a way. When one door closes, you don’t pack your bags and leave! You find another door, and if none exists then you make one yourself! 

We once used our resourcefulness for our addiction, now use those survival skills to make it in the real world. We got this 🙂


My Unassisted Baby Turns 1 Years Old Today!

One year ago today, at exactly this time, I was in intense labor. I held my husbands hands, as he sat in front of me. I leaned my sweaty head into his chest and moaned “oooooOOOOOOOooooo”. I breathed, I swayed, I moved around. I cried. I was brave. And then, he was here. I can close my eyes and smell his birth, and feel his wet head against my chest. I was elated! My son! My only son! My fourth baby.My husband and I were in awe over this tiny being we made and brought into the world together. His three big sisters came with Nana to meet him the next day, and he has been their loved baby brother every since. We became a family of six! 86220161013_191005


We went through 2 difficult months of colic, then he blossomed into a baby who wanted to see the world around him. He always wanted to be held facing outward, never wanting to miss any action.

He learned to roll over, and crawl with his sisters encouragement. He started playing with toys and interacting with his sisters.

Now, he is 1 and his two front teeth on the top and bottom popped out just this week after months of teething! He starting to take steps on his own, and will soon be walking (then, I am sure, RUNNING) after his sisters.

Markos Lorenzo, my first freebirth and my first baby boy; you are so loved! I cherish you with my whole heart, and so does Daddy and your sisters. I look forward to our many adventures and learning together as you grow.