I feel pressed in on every side. In each direction a heavy stone wall leans menacingly against me. My hands are frantically pushing back against them each in turn but I lack enough strength to hold them all up, so in a panic I realize that they are all going to crush me.
This has been my month so far. March 2016, not joyful like it should be. It is the Biblical New Year, Passover is fast approaching, the Feast of Unleavened Bread, and last but not least my first child’s 5th birthday is on March 31st. Yet, it has been one crisis after the other and my hands are shakily holding up these walls; but they keep pressing and pressing in.
First, it was the months and months of unpaid utility bills. Although I more than qualify for help, the mountains of paperwork, dealing with two separate government agencies (neither very willing to assist) and red tape and after red tape left me with shut off notices and no help in sight.
Second, my insurance company has found something wrong with the multiple pre-auth’s my suboxone/subutex doctor has given them. This means that during a month where I am struggling to keep gas and electric on I now have an essential medication NOT being paid for, while pregnant! I have been taking suboxone because of my previous heroin addiction for 8 long years (this will be addressed in future blogs dedicated solely to buprenorphine treatment and subutex in pregnancy). It is essential for my health both physically and mentally/emotionally, and it is just as important for my unborn baby because withdrawal can induce a miscarriage.
I am up against these big companies, these government agencies, these unjust bureaucracies and I can’t take it anymore. My emotional energy is run dry. My strength is just as depleted as my pathetic bank account and meager savings I am losing over this.
How can I get through? Why is this happening?
In the past I would run to my old ways. I know how to make money illegally, that is how I survived for many years before I met my husband and had my children and got clean. I briefly went back to some of my old ways when I encountered serious problems in my martial life last year and I never want to do that again (and I won’t). But the enemy does whisper “you know how to make those hundreds of dollars you need”.
Yes, with my body. The only currency I had. It was taken first, and then I learned how to sell myself. But is that the way? Are my morals worth sacrificing? Is my marriage worth destroying? Is it the message I want to send to my THREE beautiful GIRLS? That whenever life gets really, really difficult they can always sell their bodies to the highest bidder and move on? No. No. NO!
My Father in Heaven wants me to trust him. I just don’t know how. That is the truth. I do not know how!
How do I look at this mess, where I see no way out and trust that my Savior can actually rescue me?
Am I really worth more than many sparrows? Do you actually number the hairs on my head? Do you? How can I know, really know?
Also, if I am honest, this issue with my medication drags up so many buried painful memories of addiction and detoxing. I am SO scared to get sick, not only because of the horrendous physical consequences (my body has not functioned off opiates for even a single day in over 10 years) but also I am scared down to my bones over relapsing.
A relapse equals death to me. I was literally dying when I stopped using dope (heroin) and smoking crack (my true drug of choice). I suffered a heart attack, spent four days in the hospital, and I still got high after they released me. I was so sick my body was unable to keep ANY food down. I carried plastic bags with me everywhere to vomit in any time I consumed food or water. I was dying physically, and I was dying emotionally and spiritually.
It is this sick, evil, black shadow at my back; addiction. The threat of not having my medication that, for all its drawbacks, HAS indeed helped to save my life is absolutely terrifying on a level that I cannot describe to you. It is my life that I fear losing to this beast. I cannot pretend that I “would never”. That is the scariest part.
I cannot say that I “would never”
Leave my precious babies
Leave my husband
Steal from my loved ones
Lie to everyone
Go back to prostitution
Live on the streets
Etc etc etc all of the hellish things that come with active addiction.
This beast is on my back, breathing down my neck and it scares me to the core; and I am not even having cravings! I feel okay in that regard, as I typically do thanks to my medication and the other supports I have for my recovery, and my faith. But the idea, the mere thought or suggestion that it is possible to go down that road keeps me awake at night.
I hold my children just that much tighter. I feel like I built this life and this beast could come and devour it. I want to protect my life with all that I have within me, and this insurance issue drags all this up for me.
So is there nothing positive to report? Is there no good news? Is there nothing faithful and true to say?
Of course there is. In fact, I had originally planned on writing some much more uplifting blog posts on the joy of watching my oldest grow, and I still plan to do so. There has been spiritual growth in this trial, but I am yet a babe and I know that there is much I need to learn. However, this post is venting over the troubles of this month. I had to purge it out of me.
Remember, saying what you fear and saying what your struggling with, making it public exposes it all and keeps the enemy from digging in his claws.
I wish peace to you all. Shalom.
*Relevant Bible Verses*
Ephesians 5:13 But everything exposed by the light becomes visible, for everything that is illuminated becomes a light itself
Acts 14:22 strengthening the souls of the disciples, encouraging them to continue in the faith, and saying that through many tribulations we must enter the kingdom of God.
Mark 4:17 And they have no root in themselves, but endure for a while; then, when tribulation or persecution arises on account of the word, immediately they fall away.
Romans 8:35 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword?
Matthew 10:29-31 29“Are not two sparrows sold for a cent? And yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from your Father. 30“But the very hairs of your head are all numbered. 31“So do not fear; you are more valuable than many sparrows.