The deepest kind of sadness is felt by one who is lonely in that sadness. Although I endeavor to share my experience and my hope, there are certain places where that raw loneliness has remained untouched by another human soul. Those deep places, still bleeding after all these years.
My sex is something painful. On one hand, womanhood has blessed me immeasurably. I rejoice over my body’s ability to grow a person inside my womb, birth that person into the world, and nourish and comfort that baby at my breast. In fact, having children gave me love for my body and gender for the first time as an adult. Yet it feels that my body has betrayed me so many times.
I ask myself, was I ever innocent? I know that I was. If I think hard about it; I remember. I was an innocent child. I deserved no harm against me. Still that feeling of ugly, dirty, worthlessness has been etched so far into my psyche that it can be difficult to force a memory of innocence.
Too. Many. Men.
That is the truth. They have no number, no name, only some have a face or hands that I remember. There are just too many, far too many, men.
I remember just when they succeeded in crushing my spirit inside of me, along with my body and blood and bone. That moment when I stopped the fruitless and pathetic begging. When my legs ceased to kick erratically and ineffectively against the strength of their manhood. When I no longer opened my mouth to utter a painful “no”.
My mouth closed. My legs opened, without fight, with resignation. I had been lost. Defeated. Completely overcome.
So. Many. Years.
That is the truth. I cannot recall a time that I was not so damaged by them. It seeps into every corner of my mind—my very being is infused with my defeat. For so many, many years I could not resist them; any of them. My body and mind checked out, survival meant submission. And I did survive.
I couldn’t accept the forgiveness of my Father in Heaven because I knew he would never want something like me. I felt less than human. I looked around at the kind people at this church I had never been exposed to, and I knew that I would never be them. I could never be them. Someday they would realize it too. Someday they would stand me up, strip me naked, and expose my filthiness. I would be thrown out, cast away, shut off from the kingdom.
Yet, what does this Savior say?
That those who hurt children would be better off thrown into the sea. My abusers were adults, they saw my lack of maturity and used it to their advantage. They knew I was desperate, so they used me. They saw that I was unable to defend myself, so they hurt me.
What does this Savior say?
Those who come to him will be forgiven, clean as snow where they were once scarlet. He will forget, remove, destroy the sin that trapped me and held me in perpetual guilt and slavery. There is no sin too great, no person too low. He sees me as pure, even if I can’t yet.
Again, what does this Savior say?
That prostitutes will enter the Kingdom of the Father before the hypocritical “righteous” do! He says to the woman who has lost her way, “You are forgiven. Go, and sin no more.”
Even prostitutes can enter the Kingdom?
When we seek His face, repent, and trust Him; we are forgiven. Yes, even we.
Tonight, the emotions of the past are climbing into the present. I feel uncomfortable. I feel the aching despair of shame and loneliness. Has anyone else had so much taken from them, that they just wanted to scream “ENOUGH! I have NOTHING left! Stop touching me! Stop taking from me! I am empty”? Has anyone else ever stood in a crowded room and wondered if the people talking to them would stay, if they knew “their history”? Has anyone cried uncontrollably and alone wondering what it feels like to be loved instead of hurt by others?
I have. For too many years. From too many men.
I want to focus on One Man; Yahushua(Jesus), who DOES love me. He does not and will never hurt me. He forgives my sins, and he shows me where I should be forgiving to those who have sinned against me. He can heal me, if I will open myself to Him and accept his love.
Help me to accept your love tonight, my Savior.
Help me to accept your healing tonight, my Abba Yahweh.
To my sisters who understand the aching grief of sexual abuse, I am so sorry you have endured it as I have. I love you, and you are loved by the one who created you. You do not deserve abuse. Please, reach out to someone and allow them to love you on this journey.
Peace to you. Shalom.
*Relevant Bible Verses (brackets inserted by me) *
John 8:10,11 Straightening up, Jesus [Yahushua] said to her, “Woman, where are they? Did no one condemn you?” She said, “No one, Lord.” And Jesus [Yahushua] said, “I do not condemn you, either. Go. From now on sin no more.”
Matt 21:31 … “I [Yahushua] tell you the truth, corrupt tax collectors and prostitutes will get into the Kingdom of God before you do.”
Isaiah 1:18 “Come now, let us settle the matter,” says the LORD [YHWH, Yahweh]. “Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red as crimson, they shall be like wool.”
Luke 17: 1,2 He [Yahushua] said to His disciples, “It is inevitable that stumbling blocks come, but woe to him through whom they come! “It would be better for him if a millstone were hung around his neck and he were thrown into the sea, than that he would cause one of these little ones to stumble.